Starting over is never easy, and not being able to totally wipe the slate clean and start 100% fresh is even harder. That’s co-parenting, a new beginning that still has the marks from the past. Children are a gift, made from a love that was once shared. That love isn’t the same but I do believe you can keep its faint marks to help guide you to being better co-parents.
Trying to raise kids is a challenge, no matter how it’s done. Raising kids in multiple households adds another level of complexity. Learning to navigate all the different aspects that make up your new life is no easy feat. Different parent styles, schedules, new feelings, day to day demands. It’s a lot to take on, and the need to be in almost constant contact with your co-parent while trying to keep your mental health in check is a monumental task.
Co-parenting looks different for everyone. When we started co-parenting J and I quickly found out that not everyone was so eager to jump onboard with this “new way” but we were unwavering. Our first step in dealing with family was to make clear that we wanted to remain united as a family. Just because we didn’t work as a couple, doesn’t change the fact that they will always be our kids grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. The second step was clarifying that we wouldn’t tolerate any hatefulness or prodding the kids for information about what was going on with mom and dad. Either of these things would lead to us not coming around until everyone could put on their big kid panties and get on with life. We had enough to deal with between each other and our kids. The middle of a divorce was not the time to take care of everybody else.
Just to clarify- I don’t currently spend time with J’s family nor him with mine but we do all come together for events/ celebrations involving the kids, like soccer games and birthdays. Maybe in the years down the road we will start doing one massive Thanksgiving/Christmas but those things aren’t currently happening.
Next we took a look at custody arrangements. We chose to do 1 week rotations and switch on Fridays. For now we literally live on the same road not far from one another and this works for us. It’s nice that the kids are never far away from the other parent. This close proximity makes it easy for last minute changes in schedules. Maybe I have errands to run and would like a sitter, if J is free he’ll take the kids for a bit. Some days, he unexpectedly has a day off and since I pick the kids up every day after school and get those couple of extra hours, it’s nice for him to be able to spend that time with them. We are both each other’s first choice when we need a sitter. Instead of focusing on who’s week it is, we both just try to spend as much time with them as possible.
Holidays were another big decision. We had originally decided holidays would be spent together. I’ll be honest, that first year was hard. No way were either of us going to walking into a room full of in-laws like we had always done. No we were going to need a different plan. We still haven’t 100% nailed it down. For now I take the kids to my family functions and he takes them to his and then we do something together as a family, just us or with a few close friends. Since we both have a lot of family events we have stuck with the system that had worked when we were married - first invite gets priority. We also have a bit of a side system as backup. So let’s say that both of our family Christmas parties will be on the same day. Each year we just alternate who gets to bring the kiddos. Eventually we will probably just let them decide where they want to go, but this works for now.
Looking ahead we know that there will be a time when we add new people into our lives. There will another period of readjusting to make room for growth. My biggest hope is that whoever those people may be, that they truly understand the heart of what we are trying to accomplish. That the cracks caused by our divorce should be seen as a space to make room for new growth, extra love and friendships. Not to tear our family apart. It was love that brought us together and that love is what will unite us as we grow our separate ways in life.